At the beginning of this spiritual journey through the wilderness, which started back many months ago. I wrote a blog, likening myself to Peter. I happened to be reading through Matthew at the time and felt so many of the things Peter felt. Peter SAW Jesus do miracles, and yet he doubted. And yet, Peter was the cornerstone of the church. That was my hope...that despite what I was going through, I would come through it like Peter.
As the months progressed. I forgot about Peter and the blackness to which I was succomming to became more prevalant. I was defiant and disobedient. I lost almost all of my faith...and yet had no trauma in my life to even warrant such lines of thinking. It was indeed a mystery to me...as was God at that point.
If you read yesterday's blog, you are familiar with my breaking at church. Throughout this last week, I seem to have had people praying for me almost every day. And everyday, I have felt a little more of God's power breaking into my life again. Yesterday, through my tears, I finally felt broken.
Tonight we had a prayer meeting for the team leaders and lifegroup leaders. There seems to be a more wide spread spiritual attack on leaders within our church currently. That was the purpose of this meeting...to connect, to cry out to Jesus, and to receive (and give) prayer. When Tony asked who was hurting, I was one of those that raised my hand. Although, I felt that I had had breakthrough, I was still struggling with being outward focused at that point.
Emily and Misha prayed over me. They just prayed that the holy spirit would come and break me...and He did. I wept again and as I sobbed it was as if pieces of the hardness were breaking off of me. It's difficult to describe. Here's the best part of the whole story. Emily (who was not privy to the earlier Peter illustrations) brought up Peter and how Jesus named him from the beginning even knowing that Peter would one day doubt him...and that Jesus had named me too even though he knew that I would face this and doubt him in my own way. She then prayed for my rooster experience, which I truly believed happened yesterday. The thing was I never got prayer for it until tonight. So, my hope is that I have finally come full circle, at least in this particular journey. Of course I need to stay on top of things and maintain, but I felt a significant sign from the Lord tonight...something only He could show me to prove to me that he does listen and he does care. The reference to Peter has so much significance to me, and God knew what I needed for me to find Him again tonight.
Thank you God for using Peter to speak so strongly to me. Thanks that Emily was obedient in speaking that out. Thank you for not giving up on me even though I have fought you at every turn. Thanks for loving me through it all. I love you Jesus...and I trust you.