Monday, June 23, 2008

Breakdown of Breakdowns

Yesterday was the mother of all breakdowns. For some reason, the events of dealing with a terrible two year old, feed a 3 month old, and keep a house all came to a crashing hault yesterday. Dave had left to go play frisbee golf. Noah woke up from his nap and literally whined/cried for a full 2.5 hours about EVERYTHING. There was about a 10 minute span where he didn't, but the rest was whining about whatever the subject was at the moment. I tried redirecting, time-out, then my patience left and I turned to yelling and screaming. Looking back, I am so ashamed, but at the time I had lost whatever "cool" I had left in me. It was not just this particular period of time, it was an accumulation of more bad times than good lately, him not listening to a single thing I have said, blatantly ignoring me, and when punished in time-out, not staying in time-out. It has been a constant battle. Dave and I are both worn out. Anyway, it all lead up to yesterday's breakdown. After a particularly bad time-out (him not sitting down, me constantly having to force him there), I sat on my living room floor and cried. We were both antagonizing one another to the point where it had gotten this bad. How sick. I knew that he was needing time with me and was having a belated bout of jealousy toward Callie, except at the moment, I was so spent I had nothing left in me...I mean nothing. I tried praying. A couple of different times yesterday I sat with him and we tried praying for help. Finally, after praying with Noah and him refusing to say sorry to Jesus (I had to say it too). I just started crying...and stayed that way until Dave came home and found me. I had never felt like so much of a failure as a mom as I did at that point. It was by far my lowest moment as a mom. Instead of the irate anger that I had previously had, I

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