Parenting

Tony is doing a sermon series on Parenting...and I am loving it, and learning a lot. By far, parenting is the most daunting and the hardest thing I have done in my life. Yet, the benefits far outweigh anything one could call "hardship". Watching my kids laugh, play, pray, learn, and grow are the most magnificent times in my life. There is nothing sweeter. However, it IS daunting. The thoughts that run through my mind at different times: How do I get through to them? How do I make them listen? What's appropriate discipline for EACH individual infraction? How do you get through to your kid at every stage of their life? How do you teach them about stranger danger and to be SO careful with everything (Internet especially)? How do I show them Jesus in a way that they can understand? How do you get them from the terrible three's ( or insert age here) into a child who respects authority?

These are just the broader thoughts. Under each are a million questions that I ask on a daily basis. I'm sure the questions will change at each stage that I am in. The point is, there is a lot to think about as a parent...and a lot to consider.

Tony has talked the last two weeks about Saturating and Cultivating. I find it so interesting because as I am applying it to my life, I am noticing real changes in my own mindset (the behavior of my kids hasn't changed...much). The idea of Saturating is to fill your life up with Jesus. To love God with all your heart. As you do so, incorporate Him into all aspects of your life. Your kids will naturally see this and take interest. The second part is to cultivate a life in our children that honors Jesus. It was a good sermon and the past week or so has really been good for Noah and I. We are reading the bible more together, we are talking about Jesus more, and I'm beginning to use discipline as a learning time. All things that I've done in the past, but not with much consistency. I'm nowhere near perfect, and I still have a lot to learn...but the last week is teaching me a lot about what it means to incorporate Jesus into every aspect of our lives.

God continues to speak to me on the area of parenting...and I'm so glad. I am realizing how utterly dependent I am on Him to raise my kids well. I will screw them up. Of that I am sure. However, if we can keep the screw-ups to a minimum, that would be fantastic (and probably a miracle).

It seems everyone has opinions on parenting. Myself included (yes, I was pretty opinionated before having kids. I thought I knew it all). Here's the thing that I am learning through this. We all are doing the best we can. Learning from one another is good. Trying new things is good. Taking advice here and there is good. Living our lives for Jesus and seeking Him out for our source of strength as a parent...is best.

What do stay at home mom's do all day?

This is a written out version of a news article to Carolyn Hax (a dear Abby sort). I found it pretty much sums up my day (especially after a disasterous Walmart run earlier this morning)

Dear Carolyn: Best friend has child. Her: exhausted, busy, no time for self, no time for me, etc. Me (no kids): What'd you do today? Her: Park, play group ...

OK. I've talked to parents. I don't get it. What do stay-at-home moms do all day? Please no lists of library, grocery store, dry cleaners ... I do all those things, too. I guess what I'm asking is: What is a typical day and why don't moms have time for a call or e-mail? I work and am away from home nine hours a day (plus a few late work events); I manage to get it all done. I'm feeling like the kid is an excuse to relax and enjoy, but if so, why won't my friend tell me the truth? Is this a contest ("my life is so much harder than yours")? What's the deal? I've got friends with and without kids and all us child-free folks have the same questions.

— Tacoma, Wash.


Dear Tacoma: Relax and enjoy. You're funny.

Or, you're lying about having friends with kids.

Or you're taking them at their word that they actually have kids, because you haven't personally been in the same room with them.

I keep wavering between giving you a straight answer and giving my forehead some keyboard. To claim you want to understand, while in the same breath implying that the only logical conclusions are that your mom-friends are either lying or competing with you, is disingenuous indeed.

So, because it's validation you seem to want, the real answer is what you get. When you have young kids, your typical day is: constant attention, from getting them out of bed, fed, cleaned, dressed; to keeping them out of harm's way; to answering their coos, cries, questions; to having two arms and carrying one kid, one set of car keys, and supplies for even the quickest trips, including the latest-to-be-declared-essential piece of molded plastic gear; to keeping them from unshelving books at the library; to enforcing rest times; to staying one step ahead of them lest they get too hungry, tired or bored, any one of which produces checkout-line screaming.

It's needing 45 minutes to do what takes others 15.

It's constant vigilance, constant touch, constant use of your voice, constant relegation of your needs to the second tier.

It's constant scrutiny and second-guessing from family and friends. It's resisting constant temptation to seek short-term relief at everyone's long-term expense.

It's doing all this while concurrently teaching virtually everything — language, manners, safety, resourcefulness, discipline, curiosity, creativity. Empathy. Everything.

It's also a choice, yes. And a joy. But if you spent all day, every day, with this brand of joy, and then, when you got your first 10 minutes to yourself, wanted to be alone with your thoughts instead of calling a good friend, a good friend wouldn't judge you, complain about you or marvel how much more productively she uses her time. Either make a sincere effort to understand, or keep your snit to yourself.

Breakdown of Breakdowns

Yesterday was the mother of all breakdowns. For some reason, the events of dealing with a terrible two year old, feed a 3 month old, and keep a house all came to a crashing hault yesterday. Dave had left to go play frisbee golf. Noah woke up from his nap and literally whined/cried for a full 2.5 hours about EVERYTHING. There was about a 10 minute span where he didn't, but the rest was whining about whatever the subject was at the moment. I tried redirecting, time-out, then my patience left and I turned to yelling and screaming. Looking back, I am so ashamed, but at the time I had lost whatever "cool" I had left in me. It was not just this particular period of time, it was an accumulation of more bad times than good lately, him not listening to a single thing I have said, blatantly ignoring me, and when punished in time-out, not staying in time-out. It has been a constant battle. Dave and I are both worn out. Anyway, it all lead up to yesterday's breakdown. After a particularly bad time-out (him not sitting down, me constantly having to force him there), I sat on my living room floor and cried. We were both antagonizing one another to the point where it had gotten this bad. How sick. I knew that he was needing time with me and was having a belated bout of jealousy toward Callie, except at the moment, I was so spent I had nothing left in me...I mean nothing. I tried praying. A couple of different times yesterday I sat with him and we tried praying for help. Finally, after praying with Noah and him refusing to say sorry to Jesus (I had to say it too). I just started crying...and stayed that way until Dave came home and found me. I had never felt like so much of a failure as a mom as I did at that point. It was by far my lowest moment as a mom. Instead of the irate anger that I had previously had, I

When it all hits the fan...

Our morning started with a phone call letting us know that Dave's grandma had passed away over the night. It's not completely unexpected, but it it still sad. What's worse, is that we were not able to see her before she passed. Circumstances worked against us and it just didn't happen. We found out the visitation and funeral are on Tuesday and Wednesday respectivelly. Unfortunately, these are the only 2 days that Dave is working this week. He was able to get things switched around thogh.

Meanwhile, after church, Dave took Noah home to nap while I had a farewell lunch with a friend who is moving to Denver. Noah napped the whole time I was gone. When I got home, Dave left to play frisbee golf and I decided to try and taken the kids to the mall to get Father's Day presents since I had my nifty new stroller. Well, that was a bad move on my part. When will I learn? Suffice it to say, Noah was in time out in Kohls while women stared at me with disapproval. The minute I had Noah calmed down, had him apologize and got him situated, Callie let loose with all she was worth. I realized that she had soaked through her outfit and all my spares were...in the van. I was going to buy her an outfit there anyway because I had exchanged one she had outgrew before she could wear it. Until then though, she rode around in just her diaper wailing. (I eventually did dress her as she wailed outside of Kohls)

Noah refused to ride in his new stroller as we walked the length of the mall to get to Penneys. I just kept walking and he followed. Although I did get many funny looks from parents. On any other day, I wish I could say that I knew EXACTLY what to do to get my kid to obey and hop in that stroller and that we were on our merry way. Some days, I CAN wave that magic mom wand and make it happen. Other days, like today, my wand has gone missing...and along with it...my patience.

When we got to Penneys, both children started screaming at the top of their lungs. There was a whole line of people waiting to check out that all took time to stare at the Broadway Musical that was unfolding before their eyes. I felt my resolve completely shatter. I laid my head against a post and just took a deep breath, picked Callie up, told Noah to get back into the stroller (for the 48th time) and proceeded to the checkout. While waiting, Noah picked up my wallet and dropped it, scattering literally everything I had in there (which is a lot of crap) all over the floor.

Then, in my lowest moment, a kind voice says to her daughter, "Let's help this lady pick up her wallet." She bends down and quickly helps me gather all my things, picks up the wallet and hands it to me. In the most knowing and sympathetic voice she quietly says, "It's hard, isn't it?". "Yes" I reply as I (no joke) start crying. For some reason, this woman's compassion was my undoing and I just lost it in the middle of JC Penneys. More women started looking at me as I have tears running down my face. I am mortified that I have been reduced to tears. Then, Noah gets off the stroller AGAIN and I have to ask him for the 49th, 50th, 51st, and 52nd time to get back on the stroller.

God must have known I couldnt' handle much more. I got a phone call from my sister-in-law, Laura, who just listened as I verbally threw up on her the events of the last 20 minutes. Then, I ran into my friend Ann and her two kids who were leisurely walking the mall. I walked up to her about ready to cry again at the sight of seeing a friendly face. She walked me to where our car was parked. It was just what I needed to calm down. Noah of course, was behaving at that time.

At the end of the day however, I still come to two conclusions: Parenting is NOT easy. I love my kids and they are worth it all.

Cool as a cucumber vs. Losing ones cool

You may ask, what had me crying at the end of the wedding today? It could have been the lovely couple...and they were indeed lovely and clearly in love. In fact, my eyes did well up a little as I watched the groom stare at his new bride with overwhelming joy. It could have been me missing Dave who was at work during the lovely ceremony. However, it was more the fact that I had (stupidly) taken two children to the wedding by myself. Fortunately, I am a part of a great community where the saying, "it takes a village..." correctly describes our church body. I have great friends. They all came around and helped with one kid or the other: carrying, playing with, watching, corralling.

To give Noah credit. He did fairly well for the majority of the day. The wedding fell right during nap time. I made him take a short nap this morning to try and help with that. He only cried out once during the actual wedding, but when presented with raisens, managed to pull it together for the duration. Callie, thankfully, slept through the whole wedding.

At the end, they were giving out bubbles. Noah opened his and proceeded to shake the contents of the bottle all over himself and then lamented that he had no bubbles. Sorry pal.

At the reception, William and crew all watched Noah while I nursed Callie. Ben jumped in there too for awhile and almost had Noah asleep. It was too cute for words looking in at Ben (one of our fav college students who is great with kids and has a soft spot for Noah) standing in the back of the reception hall rocking Noah and rubbing his back. Unfortunately, Noah saw me and thus ended my reprieve.

We were doing OK, but as we waiting the almost 2 hours for food, Noah's patience started ebbing. Mine hung in there for a little longer, but then followed suit. When the waiter asked me to keep him away from the trays, I finally had to force him to sit down. He was so tired, he was beside himself and threw a huge fit...all of it while I am holding him. I managed to keep the patience for a little while longer while holding a thrashing 2 year old. And then...it was like the tiniest poke in the back to send you careening over the edge. I lost it. I took him out and put him in time out for fear of my hurting him if he remained in my reach any longer. After time out, he still couldn't pull it together. I even tried laying him down in the corner, but since I didn't have his sleeping vices (frog and blankie) that he was begging for, that ended badly. Finally, my pastor (who also has 2 kids and one on the way) offered to take him so that I could eat my meal. I laid my head and my hands to well off the tears that I could feel looming. "How did I get to this point?!" I wondered. Feeling embarrassed for having lost my cool, especially in front of my friends, I silently swallowed my food. Thankfully, most were parents and they each tossed out some form of encouragement. However, after last weeks sermon on the Proverbs 31 woman and my reaction to that (a strong sense of not cutting it...despite my pastor's adament protests afterwards as I cried in the hallway) I left today feeling dejected. How do you get to the point where you lose your cool? To be honest, patience is and has never been high on my virtues list. Recently though I have acknowledged this and have really been praying for help in that area...and have seen a difference. Perhaps it's the nature of the week: Thursday was no picnic at the doctor's office, PMS kicked in and I feel as though I haven't stopped moving the last few weeks. Whatever the case...I lost my cool this afternoon, and am not proud of it.

Here's the icing on the cake: Noah slept 15 minutes on the way home...and has since refused to take a nap after an hour of my trying to lay him down. He's now walking around, wearing my shoes (much to Dave's dismay) and playing race cars. At least one of us is now happy.

Next time when my mother-in-law offers to watch Noah while I am at a wedding I am going to remember this day and say, "YES please!".

Birth Control

I had my 6-week check up today post Callie. It was originally scheduled for tomorrow when Dave would be around to help. However, they needed to reschedule...so it happened today, while Dave is at Thorntown. When I made the appt, I thought...I can do this. It's not hard. We'll go and come back. No big deal. And that friends, was where I was wrong...

It started in the parking lot when I was getting Callie's stroller out. We have two strollers in there now because my double stroller is backordered (sad day). So, when I have two adults, then we use both strollers. I, despite my many capabilities, am not able to steer two separate strollers at once. Even though I explained to Noah that my super powers didn't reach this far, he was still not convinced. He cried about it the whole way up to the 3rd floor. Despite my attempts at saying, "That's enough!"...apparently my super powers don't stretch that way either...he was still crying as I was checking in. This woke Callie up, and SHE started crying. My favorite nurse came out, assessed the situation and took Callie to calm her down. I sat Noah in "time out" until he could calm down, finished checking in, then had to take Noah back with me. I, was now armed with fruit snacks though thanks to the receptionist. Anyway, Trudi, the nurse, is holding Callie. Noah is pouting in a chair while we get the routine stuff done.
Then they move me into a room. I get situated and ready to go and Dr. George brings Callie in, who is at this time, ready to nurse. She offers to let me nurse while she sees another patient and then she would come back. Sure, why not. Noah, thankfully played peek-a-boo in the curtains and had seemingly come out of his funk. When she came back, we noticed a foul smell and realized that Noah had deuced while playing behind the curtains. Wonderful. There was little I could do about it at that moment. He then hid behind the "table" and somehow managed to hurt himself...lending itself to THE tantrum of the day. He's screaming bloody murder, and I, was caught in a situation where I couldn't do anything about it at the moment. Both the doctor and the nurse were in there trying to small talk with me. In my mind, I am thinking..."Let's get this show on the road people!". They asked over the screams, "Is this your first time out with them?" It wasn't, but I was trying to decide if I would look better if I replied, "Yes...it sure is." Finally, everything got done. I changed Noah's diaper, finished nursing Callie, and trying to get shoes on (both of mine and one of Noah's which he lost in the tantrum).

As I am walking out, I look at the faces of the pregnant women in the waiting room, who I'm sure had heard the screaming and carrying on. I chuckle at their looks. They are thinking one of two things: 1) "My child will NEVER act like that!", which I, myself, so naively asserted before having children. My response to that is, "Honey, you just keep telling yourself that." or 2) "Oh my word...what am I getting myself into?" to which my response is, "In the end, it's all worth it."