Parenting

Tony is doing a sermon series on Parenting...and I am loving it, and learning a lot. By far, parenting is the most daunting and the hardest thing I have done in my life. Yet, the benefits far outweigh anything one could call "hardship". Watching my kids laugh, play, pray, learn, and grow are the most magnificent times in my life. There is nothing sweeter. However, it IS daunting. The thoughts that run through my mind at different times: How do I get through to them? How do I make them listen? What's appropriate discipline for EACH individual infraction? How do you get through to your kid at every stage of their life? How do you teach them about stranger danger and to be SO careful with everything (Internet especially)? How do I show them Jesus in a way that they can understand? How do you get them from the terrible three's ( or insert age here) into a child who respects authority?

These are just the broader thoughts. Under each are a million questions that I ask on a daily basis. I'm sure the questions will change at each stage that I am in. The point is, there is a lot to think about as a parent...and a lot to consider.

Tony has talked the last two weeks about Saturating and Cultivating. I find it so interesting because as I am applying it to my life, I am noticing real changes in my own mindset (the behavior of my kids hasn't changed...much). The idea of Saturating is to fill your life up with Jesus. To love God with all your heart. As you do so, incorporate Him into all aspects of your life. Your kids will naturally see this and take interest. The second part is to cultivate a life in our children that honors Jesus. It was a good sermon and the past week or so has really been good for Noah and I. We are reading the bible more together, we are talking about Jesus more, and I'm beginning to use discipline as a learning time. All things that I've done in the past, but not with much consistency. I'm nowhere near perfect, and I still have a lot to learn...but the last week is teaching me a lot about what it means to incorporate Jesus into every aspect of our lives.

God continues to speak to me on the area of parenting...and I'm so glad. I am realizing how utterly dependent I am on Him to raise my kids well. I will screw them up. Of that I am sure. However, if we can keep the screw-ups to a minimum, that would be fantastic (and probably a miracle).

It seems everyone has opinions on parenting. Myself included (yes, I was pretty opinionated before having kids. I thought I knew it all). Here's the thing that I am learning through this. We all are doing the best we can. Learning from one another is good. Trying new things is good. Taking advice here and there is good. Living our lives for Jesus and seeking Him out for our source of strength as a parent...is best.

So thankful

OK, so me having a chance to get centered this morning and start my day off with the Lord has really paid off. First of all, I was showered, dressed, hair done, with the kitchen swept, the floor vacuumed, and kid's in clothes by 9am. It's a great way to start the day.

However, Noah's been having a few behavioral issues lately. Not many, but when he does, they are ugly. Not to go into the details, but he was in time-out. Then after time out, he fought me tooth and nail because he didn't want to go to bed. He wanted to SIT in time out. Yes, you heard me. I recognized it for the maneuvering tactic that it was, but still it was a battle. He was screaming and flailing and couldn't pull it together. When I felt myself getting heated, I walked out, called Dave real quick to make sure that I was doing the right thing, then walked back in calmly. Here's why this is a good thing. I can get as angry as Noah when I am thwarted. He is also capable of really pushing my buttons. At the conference, I got a lot of prayer about this. Although, I don't think the urge is completely taken away from me, I do feel that God has given me a lot of tools to help me manage my emotions better. I actually felt God's peace over me the whole time that I was dealing with Noah. It would have been very easy for me to have gotten as mad as he was and yell back. However, it was almost as if God had allowed me to step back and see the situation in a different light (He was tired, trying to manipulate the situation, and really did just need to go to bed). I didn't give in, but it gave me some serious insight into how to handle it well. Was I perfect? No, but I definitely feel that God is shaping me. My desire is to be a woman of temperance and self-control. I have a long way to go, but today felt like a small victory in that arena.

It's kind of hard for me to admit this, because it feels like a glaring weakness. I feel like I should have patience all the time with my kids and never get upset. What kind of mom am I? Unfortunately, that's not my reality. I do feel as though I'm actually learning to have patience in the moment. It's not me. Believe me...if left to my own devices...ugh. However, as I continue to let God guide me and have control over different aspects of my life (like my anger), I'm feeling his gentle guidance and peace as I deal with difficult circumstances. It's one of those moments where I realize how much I miss when I don't let God have control. For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about...you almost have to experience it to believe it. Giving up control seems like a stupid thing to do, but honestly, as I continue to give more and more to God, I'm learning that I have more peace than before, and I make wiser choices. If you haven't realized, I'm having one of those "AHA!" moments that happen every so often in my faith. It's the point where you realize..."This is great! Why haven't I done this a long time ago?!"

I know that I will have struggles in the future...but one of the main things that I learned (or relearned) at conference is that as a follower of Jesus, we are redeemed. The idea of being redeemed is that when we make mistakes, and repent, we are then forgiven...and are no longer under the yoke of that sin (Some sins may require natural consequences, but the sin itself is forgiven). The reality of that thought impacted me in a very real way while I was at conference. I mean, I always knew it, but I felt the weight of that sacrifice so fully. I felt that I deserved to carry my sins and punish myself. I detested myself. It was actually a struggle for me to fully submit them to God and let him take it. Yes, I still deserved to carry the weight of them...but since Jesus had already paid the price....I could be free. The bottom line- God has saved my life...again and again...and I am SO thankful. Because of that, I can become a better mom for my kids, wife for my husband, and just a better me. I'm still a work in progress (and believe me there is a LOT of work still left to do), but I think I have my arrow now pointed in the right direction, and there is even a little wind in my sail.

Out of the mouth of babes...

I was settling back into bed to do my quiet time this morning (It's quiet and away from "Finding Nemo"). Noah came back to check on me:

Noah: Mommy go back nap?
Me: No, honey. Mommy is going to spend some time with Jesus.
Noah: Oh, Mommy see Jesus?
Me: I sure hope so honey.

I want to see you Jesus: In the way I live my life, in the lives of my kids. I want to feel your peace over me. I want to see you glorified. I want to see your miracles played out in the here and now. I want to see you Jesus.

Thanks Noah, for the reminder.

Weariness

I'm weary. The events of the last few months seem to be catching up with me and taking their toll. I've been exhausted lately and having a hard time doing the things that need to be done, let alone all the things that I want to get done. I don't have the energy. I'm feeling melancholy, and sometimes sad. I couldn't figure out why I've just been so doggone tired lately. I was talking to my close friend and prayer partner about it today, and she came up with the word "weary"...and I started crying, because that just about sums it up. I'm just plain weary...for oh so many reasons.

Lord, I give my weariness to you. Help me to cut back where I need to and find some rest in you again. Help me not to worry about things that I can't change and all the other things that I feel deserve my "worry". Help me to just surrender everything to you in prayer...and go from there. I need you to fill me back up and make me useful again. I'm pretty empty here. Thanks. I love you God.

More deep thoughts

So, I should be sleeping, but it's elusive tonight. I just finished watching the movie, "Facing the Giants". I wasn't exceptionally thrilled with the acting, but the take home message is pretty powerful...along with many of the inspirational lines throughout the movie. It's left me thinking...How do I respond when tough things happen? Am I living my life in way that is honoring to God? These two weeks in the hospital have taught me a lot about faith, perserverence, patience, and waiting on God. He is indeed answering our prayers. At first, I felt that He was taking His own sweet time. But, looking back and seeing all that Dave and I have learned from this experience, I see His perfect timing in all of it. My faith has grown. I am a huge complainer by nature, and through this I have learned to adapt to situations that I didn't think I would, and still be thankful. I've still had my weak moments, but in them, I've seen God's strength.

My relationship with Dave has really grown. We've learned to really rely on one another and have learned what it means to love in good times and bad. Dave has really shown that to me. He's made me laugh when I've wanted to cry. There have been many kind words spoken to encourage one another. I have felt his support and encouragement throughout this whole ordeal. He has shown complete integrity when it comes to prioritizing family, even when it is hard. My respect for him has grown in these last two weeks. We've held hands, had really great meaningful conversations, and realized the importance of time spent well together. It's become a very sweet time in our marriage.

I've also personally learned to cherish the moment's with my kids. I miss Noah and even when he frustrates me and I often feel inadequate, I wouldn't change where we are at right now for the world. He's an amazing kid and I'm up to the challenge of raising him to be a strong, compassionate man who respects his elders and makes wise decisions. He really is a pretty great kid. He called me today and hearing his voice say, "Hi Mommy! I wuv you!" is by far the greatest reward that I will ever earn. Nothing compares. I've learned so much about Callie as well. She has really blossomed over these last few weeks. She cherishes attention and delights under it. She has laughed and is so joyful, and despite her circumstances, she has remained happy. Childlike faith. She is a warrior. I can't wait to see her live that out as she get's older.

We have felt the love of our family and friends who have surrounded us with support and prayers. In many ways, I feel we are walking away from this situation a little older, a little wiser, and with a little more faith. Having your child in the hospital leaves you feeling helpless and scared for them. But I'm not really helpless. I have seen the power of prayer acted out more times than I can relay this week. I have finally opened my eyes and can see how God moves through trials. Callie IS being healed, even now...for that, I am thankful...more than you know.

So, these are my deep thoughts for the evening. I've made many mistakes in life, but I'm so thankful that God gives second chances. I hope that when we leave here, I will not forget the lessons that I have learned. I pray that my attitude reflects Christ working in me...and that my actions show that. It's been in this time of weakness as a parent, that I feel God's strength around me...and am comforted that He loves my kids even more than I do. Thanks God for being so good.

Interesting Quote

I'm reading a book by Dee Henderson and I found this quote on prayer from one of her characters interesting:

"To be passive and throw up your hands and say, 'I don't care, whatever you want Lord,' is as much a cop-out as pushing for only what you want and not being able or willing to accept something different. To deny Him being Lord. It hurts to not have your prayers answered. The difference is I still believe in the One to whom I pray, whereas you have simply stopped praying."

Terrible Two-year old

Gulp...I am a terrible two year old. Ugh. As I was doing my quiet time this afternoon I thought about my relationship with God. Being the ultimate Father, I'm sure he get's my frustrations sometimes as a parent. What became even more glaringly clear is how much I am like my two-year old son.

1) Defiance: Yep, for some reason at times I think that I know better than God. Noah defies me in the same way. Just as I know what's best for Noah, God know's whats best for me.

2) Whining: Noah is a perfectionist at this...I wonder where he got it from? I realized that I whine (and grumble, and complain...)about things not going the way I want them, God not saving babies, Him not doing what I want when I want it. Whining gets me nowhere, just as it does Noah. However, when he asks in his big-boy voice, I usually respond. Perhaps, if I come to God with the right motive and the willingness to listen, he will respond too.

3) Running away: Noah tends to run away when he is asked to do something that he doesn't want to do...Our modern day Jonah. I unfortunately need to be swallowed by the whale with him. I have been guilty of this too many times. Good thing that God is the God of second chances.

4) Consequences: As Noah gets consequences for his sinful behavior from me, sometimes I get tangible ones from God...and yeesh are they painful. Like Noah, I am not a vicarious learner. I have to stick my finger in the fire to learn my lessons.

Well, isn't that just the biggest lesson of all, to realize that you are as naughty and hard-headed as your terrible two-year old? The good thing is, I know how much I love Noah even when he is being ridiculous and not listening. I still love the little dude more than life itself. If my imperfect love still stands for Noah, I know that God's love for me still holds as well...even when I am being a terrible two-year old.

Breakdown to Breakthrough

It finally happened...the weeks of me avoiding Jesus and asserting that I can do it on my own and trying to parent, lead a lifegroup, lead prayer, be a wife, be a friend, maintain a house, and keep my sanity all lead to this moment, today, where I finally admitted...no, I can't.

It wasn't intentional. I love Jesus, I just wasn't doing such a hotshot job of showing Him or giving my trust over. For some reason, I still think that I know better than the God of the universe what's best for me and mine. But, as my house was falling apart, I was screaming at my son, and had to go into my room to give myself a time-out, I realized that I am not God and that I DESPERATELY need His help to be a better parent, wife, and well, person.

So, I sat down, pulled out my prayer journal (with the last entry dated...back in February...) and started writing. Incidentally, in my last entry, I had prayed for a friend of mine to experience healing for two miscarriages. I prayed that God would either allow her to get pregnant or to remove that desire (which were also her prayers). I chuckle when that was the first thing I saw. She is now well on her way with a healthy pregnancy...thanks God for so quickly showing me that you do answer prayer.

After that short amount of time praying through ACTS (Adoration, Confession, Thanksgiving, and Supplication), my equilibrium is restored, I have found my center, I no longer feel like I am going to run screaming out of the house if my son misbehaves yet again. They don't call Jesus the miracle worker for nothing.

So, in closing, let me be the poster child for seeking Jesus. Jesus Saves (marriages, children, houses, equilibrium). He's that good. Really, you should give Him a try.

Taming the Tongue

Tony talked about James 3 today, which breaks down the taming of the tongue...Yeesh. It was so hard to hear it...mostly because this is an area of struggle for me at different times. I felt so convicted. What's worse. As soon as the sermon was done, I was talking to a close friend and out popped something that could have totally been taken the wrong way. I totally didn't mean it the way it came out, but never the less...out it was. Seriously?! Did I not learn anything in the last 30 minutes of teaching? I had to call my friend later and apologize (always humbling). It's even worse when I do that, sometimes, because then once I get going I can't stop. Thankfully, there is grace. That is the big thing that I am learning. I am an all or nothing sinner...meaning, I either am completely oblivious to my sins or when I do acknowledge them I am racked with so much guilt that I forget that God has already forgiven me. There has to be middle ground somewhere, an area of gentle conviction that brings about change, but acknowledges grace.

Well, clearly I don't have this area mastered yet (controlling the tongue or finding grace). Good thing that God's not through with me yet...Now if only I could be a more studious pupil.

Labor

As I am awaiting the arrival of this new little one, I have been given some time to muse...and last night's musing was on the word "labor" in conjunction with delivering babies. It's funny because "labor" is such a mild word to describe the literal gut-wrenching pain you feel during childbirth. Having gone through it before, I remember it being pretty darn painful. Yet, here I am ANXIOUS to go into labor...even a little frustrated because I am NOT in labor.

It struck me as funny that I, who despises pain of any kind, am looking forward to this kind of labor (read:torture). But here's the gist...at the end of this laborious time period, I will hold in my hands a most precious gift...and it makes all the toil, pain, and yes, "labor" seem insignificant in comparison.

I think about the yearning to be in that pain so that I can receive the reward at the end. It would seem like I am sucking down crazy juice. But let's get serious for a moment. I see many parallels into my own spiritual life...except I am usually not so excited to go through the pain because I can't always see the reward at the end. It's rare that God allows us to go through something painful without having something at the end that shows "why".

In this case, yes, I am looking forward to the serious pain of labor, because I know that at the end of it (and there WILL be an end) that I will meet the little person who God has created to be a part of our family.

Anytime now Lord...