Struggling with Sin (Stinks)

I hate struggling with sin. It stinks...Why can't I just have it all together and always act in a compassionate, graceful manner? Isn't that what Christians do? Anyway, this past week I have been really feeling convicted about a lot of things, one of which is my anger and bitterness that seem to come out fairly frequently these days. I am not proud of these characteristics. They are not very godly and don't represent being a Christian at all. I have felt God breaking me down and slowly showing me different perspectives to the people that I have felt this way toward. It has been very humbling. To really minister to people I have to put away my anger and bitterness and see what Jesus wants to do...and if He doesn't want to move in the time-table that I think He needs to, I need to accept that, because...well...I am not God. (You should all be very very thankful). However, I still value speaking the truth in love...the key word is love. In my anger and bitterness, love has a hard way of shining through sometimes. I had Dave pray for me last night to help me feel more compassion and grace towards others. Realistically, I realize that the urge to feel this way will rise again. My prayer, is that with Jesus' help, I can squelch it fast...I am tired of living in the pit. I would rather live in the light.

Melinda

My good friend (and prayer partner) Melinda came for a visit yesterday. It was so great to see her! She has been working at a camp most of the summer so we hadn't gotten to see (or talk) to one another as much as we usually do. It was a great day...we spent a good part of the morning talking about life and praying, then watched a movie and ended the evening watching our favorite TV show, My Boys, online. It takes place in Chicago, where Melinda taught a year. Anyway, it was really nice to see my friend again and to pray and play as we always do.

Haircut update

Well, I did end up mourning the loss of my long hair. Here's a (not so great shot) of the final product. I went and got it trimmed up a little more (lessoned the layers) I just have to remind myself...It's just hair...it will grow out. I think after I give it a few days to "train" it, I will like it much better. I think I am still just going through the shock of looking in the mirror and realizing its me I'm looking at. :-)

Happy 4th!

Yesterday, we had a lifegroup party over at the Carlyles (thanks for hosting) then went on an expedition to find fireworks. We were supposed to meet up with Ben and Havilah, but our wires got crossed (meaning I misunderstood the master plan) and we never found them. We also lost our party leaders Jo and YooJung because of the traffic...So we (William, Emily, Jonell, Dave and I) caravaned into a parking lot and found grass. Despite the fact that we were a ways away from the actual fireworks, we still had a good time. I was surprised Noah hung out there till the end too. It was a pretty late night for him...but he was a trooper!

Shaggy Haircut

I went to get my haircut yesterday. For awhile I was thinking I really wanted to get it chopped off. Then, of course, yesterday I had my first good hair day in weeks and that made me rethink all my plans. So I go in there and tell the hairdresser..."Don't really know what I want, but I think I can go shorter and I want some more volume around my face." See, I have a really really hard time articulating sometimes. Of course, in my mind, I had gotten my vision across clearly. Of course she would cut it just the way I had in my mind...or better even, I mean she is a professional. I have always wanted to go to those hair places where you walk in...they look at you...and know exactly what you need! Mostly because I never have any real vision for my hair.

Result: Shaggy longer version of Florence Henderson haircut. I don't blame the hairdresser at all for my inability to articulate. It's just unfortunate. I went home and tried playing with it...that made it worse. I think I might end up going to a different salon and having them fix it on Thursday (of course...everyone is closed today). It's not all bad...I just think I am going to have them shorten it a little more...The bottom is the part that is problematic for me. I had a picture, but failed to give it to first salon due to allowing creative vision...my bad. :-) Will give to second salon for sure.

This picture doesn't give a really good idea what it looks like.

Melancholy

I'm kind of down today. There's no real reason...Dave and I are fine...great in fact. Noah is behaving. There are just moments where I want to go into the bedroom and cry. Perhaps I am still thinking about the picture yesterday...But I don't think that's all of it. There is a lot on the plate right now...but most of it is stuff I've been handling well for awhile now...truly I don't have any reason to feel this way. It's weird.

Lord, Help me to find my joy in You. Remind me Jesus that You are in control...that I need to be productive, but not worry. Thank you for all that you have blessed me with. Amen.

feast and famine

I read my friend, Ann's blog today. On it she showed a very disturbing and heart-wrenching picture of famine:

(Picture taken down out of respect for this child and his/her family.)

The picture is apparently taken in the Sudan and is of a young child crawling to a feeding station 1/2 mile away as a vulture looks on. It's sickening...I wanted to look away and pretend that it didn't exist...that it was somehow fake...but I know better.

This picture, like it did to Ann, has haunted me since I first saw it. I keep thinking, this could have been my son given different cirumstances. It's a kid...a helpless child. It makes me physically ill. I became very convicted about the way Dave and I lead our lives...and what possible ways we could continue to help out (We already have a compassion child)

Then, the mail came. In it there was a letter from World Vision. Interesting that it came today of all days. Could this be God telling us something? .

I wrote to our compassion international child today as a way to remind myself that the world exists beyond me. In looking for a verse to send to him, I came across 2 Corinthians 9:6-7:

Remember this: Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously. Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.

For the record, I didn't send that verse...althoughI definitely felt God tugging on my heart strings today through all these different avenues. If you too are interested in getting involved, World Vision has a great venue for providing one-time donations or for sponsoring a child...as does Compassion International. In reality, it takes not going out to eat ONCE to sponsor a child for a month (~$30/month).

I don't know what ever became of that child...the outcome was probably bleak...However, as much as I would like to forget that suffering exists...I can't forget that picture. That picture is a stark reminder that famine does exist, terrible things are happening throughout the world, and, that my life is lavishly rich (no matter how much I sometimes disagree), and that we are called, as Christians, to help those who are less fortunate than us.

Jesus, thank you for the reminder that there is REAL pain and suffering out there. There are REAL needs. Help me to keep that in perspective. The feelings you have invoked in me today, let them bring change...don't allow me to forget because it hurts to see. I pray that you would show me how you want us to partner in this cause and that you would move others to
partner as well. Amen.